seussical_love

(Don't comment on this just telling me how much you hate Twilight, haha.)

Some days I am paralyzed with the fear that I will never know what it feels like to be in love.

Freshman year, I thought I was in love, but this boy rejected me, and ever since then I've felt... rather numb. (I can't blame him, really. I'm a monster.)

I suppose if I lived my whole life and never understood what it meant to want to be with someone forever, I wouldn't be too upset, because would I really deserve to know? (Correct answer: No, not really.)

I guess what I mean to say is that I feel like I used all my passionate affection on this dude who never wanted it. I can't picture myself with anybody else, which sucks because I'm sure as fuck never going to be with him. (Don't comment trying to convince me otherwise because this isn't the issue here, really. I've accepted it, let's move on.)

What if I've lost my ability to love? What if my heart has gotten so completely smashed that it can't feel anything anymore?

Some days I just want to die because I don't want to deal with this anymore. Ugh. At least then I wouldn't have to worry about it, because, y'know, I'd be dead. D:

To those who know what it feels like... describe it for me, so I know what I'm missing. What I'll be missing until I leave this world, most likely.

... I am all alooooone. D:

*cries*

Well... USUALLY. The first thing I do when I get onto Kraftwerk every day is either to a) check my dA orrrr b) to do schoolwork. (: Depends on the day, really.

Quote of the Day:

"Work is the true elixir of life. The busiest man is the happiest man." - Sir Theodore Martin. :)

The Johnny Cash Remixed album. <3 (Except for track four. Snoop Dogg, you RUINED Walk the Line. RUINED!)

Why? Because it covers every mood you can possibly have in just like, thirteen tracks. Plus, it's Cash! And that's good enough for me. Always. (:

Sometimes I feel like I have no friends.

Le siiiigh.

Sitting here watching Family Guy with Devin. (: Today was alright, I suppose. It's good to get back into the swing of things after this weekend, haha. I needed to detox horribly, in more ways than one.

At the moment I'm worrying about money... I know I could fix everything if I just get a job, but I don't know if I could handle that with class going on at the same time. xx; And I really don't want to work over Christmas break but it's looking as though that's what I might have to do... I know for sure I'll get a job over the summer, and I think that I might be able to do odd jobs for my grandparents for money in the meantime. I'm sure it'll be fine if I can just last it out.

I'm gonna do some homework later and then go to bed... and pray. Hard.

I hope all is well with you. <3

Love,

- M.

I would choose EVERY HOUR I'VE BEEN ALIVE.

God, I suck.

</3

Okay, so, I had a situation that occurred over the course of a few days, coming to a head last night, and I need help figuring it out, so... I'mma write about it and see what you guys think.

I have this friend, we'll call her... Idk, Rose. We'll call her Rose. And a few nights ago she was over at our apartment with some of our other friends and they were going to smoke pot. I declined, saying it was too late and I had to get up early the next morning and go to class (besides, it's Halloween, so I said that if they had any over the holiday, I'd totally be game for trying it in a safe environment). But Rose had already called it, since she was pulling the "She won't, she won't!" card, even tossing out the "Dude, I have an 8:30 class too!" basically telling me that it was a lame excuse for not smoking.

I can only hope that you guys know what I'm talking about, but I'm sure you do, since it's something everyone has to deal with: that kind of peer pressure of people telling you what you will and will not do, which I find painfully irritating and will not accept. So.

However, the next day, which was yesterday, she says that she heard me bitching to my roomie Wichita (and that's her nickname, haha, not her real name... need to keep these peeps protected!) about it through the open window... and took offense. SHE took offense. I'm confused, wasn't she the one misbehaving?

I mean, I apologized anyway (or as sincerely as I could, since I was already intoxicated by the time she came over and we were getting ready to go out in our costumes and stuff--Facebook friends, Wichita took pics, so be expecting those... eventually, haha), that I was sorry she took offense, because I never mean to hurt anybody. I was just mad. If it had been anybody else saying the same thing to me, I would've reacted just the same. What I'm trying to clarify is: I wasn't going after Rose. Just her attitude.

I don't want to be a mean, bad person, ya'll. It's not something I generally enjoy. I say that I try to follow Jesus, but I'll be the first to admit that I only do that truly well about half the time. Less than half the time if we're being realistic. But I learn from my mistakes--and that wisdom is priceless.

Anyway, my question is this: who's more in the red here, me, or Rose? I need some commentary! ... And some water! Ugh, I'm hungover, but it's alright, I'll take some asprin and have some breakfast here in a second and detox today before the night starts.

Because it's Hallow's Eve, ya'll... and anything can happen. ;)

My heart is broken. </3

Really, it depends who you ask, but since I'm the one responding, I'll do my best to answer honestly. (:

I would say that I'm more the type who tries super hard to forgive and forget. I hold grudges mostly with just myself; Chloe's told me more than once that when I fuck up I hold onto it and let it poison me, which I suppose is true.

I'm the one who wants to just move on as if whatever happened didn't happen as quickly as possible, let's just say that.

I have no idea about the longest time I've ever been angry at someone, haha. Certainly it wasn't long. I can't stay mad at people I care about, y'know?

I'm very, very easily swayed by words, food, gestures of kindness. (: It's easy to win me back--but not too often. ;)

I'm all alone in this apartment... :(

Too sad to write much else. </3

Err... well... haha, it depends on the entire situation. If my buddy is having conception issues, like, she can't get pregnant, or something, then sure, I could be a surrogate body for the baby. I'm not good with kids anyway, so giving it back after it was born wouldn't be a big deal. I mean, I won't sleep with anyone, period, if that's what you're after, but I'd offer up my womb or my eggs or whatever if one of my buddies really needed them.

I think it would bring us all closer together... <3 We'd all be a part of each other, y'know? Our lives would be connected for the rest of eternity from that day forward.

I'm aware that made a post a little while ago, butttt... I wanted to make another one. So there.

Sitting in the living room with Sharae and Larissa. (: I love my roommates. Larissa's watching Weeds, I'm pretty sure Sharae has class soon... blah. I wish we could all just hang out forever and ever and not do anything else but watch movies and like... Idk, smoke weed? I'm scared to straight smoke it because I have a fear of suffocation. So maybe we'll just make cake instead. Anyway!

Today was depressing. The weather's been wet and disgusting for what seems like the past three million years. I just feel unmotivated. Unmotivated is a good word for this. I'm starving, but I don't want to eat anything.

Will work on homework later tonight, and maybe watch Saw 2 and 3. Then to bed. Which is exciting.

Love,

- M.

I don't believe so much in luck than I do karma and divine intervention in a given situation. I believe that if you do good, God's will, whatever, then it's going to come back to you. If you suck as a person, then life is going to kick you in the ass. That being said, I *do* believe in luck (I have a pair of lucky purple sneakers) and the powers of amulets, talismans, magickal objects, etc., but usually when something miraculous happens to me I'm quicker to ascribe it to God or some good karma coming back to me than I am just luck, plain and simple.

There's a super cute store in downtown Stillwater (not really downtown-downtown, but it's by the Strip so it's still in a groovy part of the city) called the Rhinestone Cowgirl that just opened up this year. What makes it so awesome is that it's all really, really girly: bright colors, sparklies, and everything in the store is handmade. (: So you know that whatever you're buying, there will never be anything like it again! The jewelry is amazing. The owner is super creative, but sadly the last time I was in she wasn't there. D: (I had asked to see her because I wanted to gush... and I never do that. This is a big deal, ya'll.)

It's a little expensive, but I love helping out small local businesses, sooooo I happily pay that extra shiny penny.

Scatter seeds of kindness everywhere
you go;
Scatter bits of courtesy--watch them
grow and grow.
Gather buds of friendship, keep them
'till full-blown;
You will find more happiness than
you have ever known.

- Amy R. Raabe. :)

And also, a question... why is it that every religious movement states we won't be completely happy until *after* we die?

Sitting here with Devin in the living room. :) He's watching football, I'm thinking about how cold it is outside. Today passed in a blur, honestly. Classes went fine. I'll finish my homework later tonight. Uhm... not too much going on.

I made one of my friends mad a while ago. And she hasn't really talked to me since. So I'm wondering if maybe I really fucked it up. That's really the only issue I have at the moment... along with the amount of stuff I have. Ugh. Too much, too much!

Hope all is well with everybody else (even if it's not so much with me.)

- M.

I prefer to go it alone, of course. ^^ As I do with everything, haha. ... Well. Almost anything. I usually to just continue on my day and try not to, y'know, fall over or vomit or something. Which I'm not saying hasn't happened before. But I can't just sit there and be sick, y'know? It ruins my whole day. D: I have to press forward and let it affect me as little as possible.

I'm aware that I just posted. But. I wanted to do another one. So I did. HA. :3 Anyway.

So I'm just chillin' in the living room with the roomies. (: Larissa and I are watching Stealing Harvard, Devin's getting ready to go to work (which happens to be at Texas Roadhouse, woot woot). It's been a pretty chill day so far. Not a whole lot has gone on worthy of notice, mostly because... I've only been awake for three hours. But whatever. (: Stfu, I'm enjoying my Sunday.

I'll do homework later today and then I'll call the whole thing good!

Hope all is well with you.

Love,

- M.